Are you a “bonder” or a “thrill seeker” in your relationship?
Attachment vs excitement in coupledom
In the landscape of relationships, understanding the dynamic interplay between attachment and thrill can unlock the secrets to a fulfilling partnership. Recognizing whether you lean towards seeking deep emotional connections or thriving on excitement can reveal much about your relationship patterns. Both are necessary for a thriving coupledom however; people are often confused as to which one is a sign of a healthier relationship.
On the Surface
You’ve probably heard of oxytocin and dopamine if you know a thing or two about love and attachment. They’re considered two of the most important “love hormones.” That means, they both play specific roles in the body in dating as well as relationships over time. But, people often use these interchangeably without much thought. The truth is, these two neuropeptides are very different and mean very different things in your relationship journeys.
Digging deeper
Many of us struggle with the routine of a stable relationship or the unpredictability of a thrilling one. Common concerns include:
"I am bored in this relationship."
"It feels like a roller coaster—am I with the right person?"
"Can one person offer both thrill and attachment?"
Attachment, often influenced by the hormone oxytocin, nurtures feelings of closeness and stability. It's about building deep, enduring bonds. On the flip side, dopamine drives our desire for excitement and novelty, often leading us to seek new experiences and pleasures. Both hormones play crucial roles, but their effects are markedly different, shaping how we experience love and connection.
When we choose a mate and commit to staying with them over time, it means that we have created a sense of bonding with them. This is beyond the need for financial security, sexual exclusivity, and social status. When we speak of such bonding, we are talking about a sense of neurobiological attachment to someone. We miss them, we feel calmer at their presence, we have a sense of trust with them, and their embrace brings us a sense of security. Oxytocin is a hormone that supports feelings of connection and social bonds—what is generally known as “loving someone.” In people with a history of trauma, oxytocin might trigger a control system in the body (vasopressin), which sets off the brain's alarm system that prevents the person from getting close to their partner (if this resonates with you, a skilled therapist can help you decode your attachment style and work with you on healing your fear of closeness and connection). “Bonding” or attachment seekers are acting on oxytocin mostly—they’re looking more for stability and deep connection. They seek to bond with their partners and create a lasting attachment.
Dopamine, however, feeds reward and motivation. It brings a sense of excitement and pleasure that keeps us wanting more of something in our lives. It is the “high hormone” so to speak. Dopamine makes us feel excited and full of thrill. This is one of the reasons that we want to see one another all the time and cannot get enough of each other when we first start dating! “Thrill” seekers—or those chasing mostly dopamine —are always looking for the next thing to excite them. They often fear relationships that are predictable and calm. Or, they consistently seek out new relationships, or new ways to create a sense of thrill in the relationship (sometimes even by creating drama!).
So which is more important—attachment or thrill? Should we be “bonders” or “thrill seekers?”
While some people tend to be more “thrill” seekers or “attachment” seekers, both are needed for sustainable and thriving coupledom. Cultivating both in a relationship allows us to feel motivated and excited, while we have a deep sense of security and connection with our partners.
So the question is: How can we intentionally cultivate both?
Literacy
What to know before you act
Do butterflies guide your relationship decisions?
How much does physical attraction influence your choice in partners?
What are the physical sensations you experience when attracted to someone?
Conversely, what sensations arise when you feel deeply connected to your partner?
In long-term relationships, do you often find yourself bored?
Are you always searching for ways to inject excitement into your relationships?
Do you prioritize emotional connection over sexual excitement in long-term relationships?
Reflect on your motivations in new relationships: Are you seeking excitement, connection, or a balance of both?
Consider past relationships and how they've shaped your current priorities.
What cultural messages have influenced your views on thrill versus attachment in relationships?
Assess whether your current relationship philosophy serves you well, and consider if there's room to broaden your perspective.
Fluency
How to integrate what you know and feel
Balance Exploration with Intimacy:
Schedule regular "exploration dates" where you try new activities together that neither of you has experienced before. This could be a cooking class, dance lesson, or a spontaneous road trip. The key is to introduce novelty, which stimulates dopamine production.
Incorporate "attachment dates" focused on deepening your emotional connection. This could include activities like revisiting places that are significant in your relationship, sharing personal stories or future dreams, or engaging in long, uninterrupted conversations.
Communicate Openly About Desires:
Regularly check in with each other about your needs in the relationship. Use specific questions like, “What can I do this week to make you feel loved?” and “What adventure can we plan this month?”
Create a "wishlist" together where both partners can write down their desires for adventure and connection. Review and update this list periodically to keep up with changing desires and interests.