Choosing Your Fear
The Hidden Force That Shapes Our Lives
Fear is inevitable, but its influence is optional.
The Grounding
Fear is one of our earliest teachers. As children, it keeps us safe. We fear the hot stove, the deep pool, and the stranger with unfamiliar eyes. This instinctive wariness is not a flaw; it is a function, one that protects us before we have the knowledge or ability to protect ourselves.
But as we grow, fear evolves. It no longer warns us only of physical danger. It whispers in our ears before we open our hearts, before we set boundaries, before we choose to stay, or dare to leave. It tells us to cling when we should let go, to retreat when we should reach out. If we let it, fear shifts from protecting us from harm to preventing us from love, connection, and the relationships we long for.
Yet, fear is not the enemy. The question is not, How do I get rid of fear? but rather, Which fears do I choose to listen to?Over the years, I have experienced this both personally and through witnessing my clients as how a well-chosen fear can serve as a compass, guiding us toward deeper self-awareness and intentional relationships. A misplaced fear, however, can become a cage, keeping us in dynamics that no longer serve us or shutting us off from the love we deserve.
On the Surface
Fear often disguises itself as logic, caution, or even humility. The fear of judgment makes us second-guess our voice. The fear of rejection keeps us from expressing love. The fear of failure convinces us to settle.
Many of my clients who feel stuck in life are not trapped by external circumstances but by unconscious fears that dictate their decisions. If you fear being judged, you may shrink in social situations, crafting a life where you avoid risks but also miss opportunities for deep connection. If you fear failure, you may never begin, ensuring you never fail, but also never succeed.
Without awareness, fear becomes the unseen puppeteer, directing the smallest of choices: how you treat yourself, how you show up in relationships, and how you engage with the world. But here is the key, fear is a force, and you can harness it.
Digging Deeper
The fears that shape us are not random. They are a product of our developmental stage, cognition, environment, mental and physical abilities, sociopolitical factors, and personal experiences. A child fears the dark because they do not yet understand what is real and what is imagined. An adolescent fears rejection because their social bonds feel like a lifeline. An adult may fear irrelevance, failure, or being alone, fears that reflect their values, their past, and the stories they tell themselves about success and belonging.
Fear does not disappear with time; it simply mutates. But the good news is, you can choose how it transforms.
A person who once feared failure can shift their perspective, seeing setbacks as stepping-stones rather than stop signs. A leader who battled impostor syndrome can choose to replace self-doubt with self-trust, anchoring their confidence in action rather than approval. A person who feared rejection can reframe it as redirection, understanding that every “no” clears the path for a more aligned “yes.”
Nelson Mandela famously said, “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” The goal is not to eliminate fear but to make it serve you instead of enslave you.
Literacy: What to know before you act
What is the fear shaping your decisions right now? Is it protecting you, or is it holding you back? Think about all aspects of your life specially your relational spaces.
Where did this fear originate? Is it still relevant, or is it an outdated survival strategy?
If you could replace this fear with a different one, what would it be? Would it lead you toward growth rather than withdrawal?
How does fear shape your relationships? Are you afraid of vulnerability, loss, confrontation? How does that influence your behavior with others? specially in your high stake relationships.
What would change if you saw fear as a tool rather than a threat?
Fluency: Skills and Actions
Name Your Fear: Give it language. Say it out loud. Write it down. Fear loses its grip when it is made visible.
Question It: Is this fear rational or inherited? Does it belong to you, or did you absorb it from family, culture, or past experiences?
Redirect It: Fear is not just paralyzing; it can also be mobilizing. The key is to channel it toward growth instead of stagnation. You can fear failure or fear staying exactly where you are. You can fear rejection or fear never being truly seen. You can fear judgment or fear living a life that is not your own.
Test It: Take one small action that goes against your fear. If you fear speaking up, contribute in a meeting. If you fear intimacy, share something that matters to you with a trusted friend or your partner.
Redefine Fear as Fuel: Every time fear arises, ask, What is this trying to teach me? Let it sharpen your awareness rather than dull your courage.
Let’s not aim for a fearless life. Aim for a life where fear is chosen wisely, where it is a teacher, not a tyrant and let’s make an agreement with one another, the next time fear shows up, do not ask, How do I get rid of this? Instead consider asking, Is this the fear I want guiding me? And if not, choose again. I am going to live by this, would you?
The Notice Board:
Colleagues, I look forward to seeing many of you at the Psychotherapy Networker Symposium in Washington D.C. March20-23. Register here.
For everyone, I look forward to seeing many of you (and your partners!) at the In Bloom Summit, April 4-6 2025 in Vancouver. Check it out and Register here.
You can now order your signed copy of Love by Design while supporting my favorite local bookstore in Los Angeles. It means the world to me specially with the current situation that we are in. We all have the power to make a difference—no matter how small. The ripple effect is real.
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