Creating Common Grounds
Family edition: cultivating a sense of belonging for kids up to teenage years
How many times have you had the chance to sit with your kid and find yourself not having much to talk about?! Or when you do, you don’t quite understand what they are talking about or you feel uncomfortable with the language they use?
We are each unique individuals, inhabiting our own worlds to a certain extent. When a generational gap is added to the mix, our differences can sometimes feel like they’re driving us apart. It may seem like we have nothing in common, but there are always opportunities to find common ground and connect with those we care about. This connection is not just something that is good to have, it is a necessity if we want to increase a sense of belonging and combat the pandemic of loneliness which is creeping as the main cause of many mental health issues. We feel rejected by our children while they feel unseen, a burden or/and entitled for our services.
Recently, I took a course in slang language for kids and then went to watch Inside Out 2 with my son. This experience magnified for me how shared experiences can bridge gaps in human connections and in this case with my own child. Not just the process of it but the content of it too. Watching a movie is something many people do with their kids. This one in particular with its universal themes and appeal, provided both of us with valuable insights. For the days/weeks after, I found that served as a reference point, igniting conversations about emotions and our inner worlds, what values we accept in our family and what values we don’t and ultimately deepening our bond.
On the Surface
In today's fast-paced world, our lives are filled with constant distractions. The media we consume throughout the day can vary greatly between family members. As adults, we might be engrossed in news articles, professional development content, or our favorite streaming shows. Meanwhile, our children are often captivated by different content tailored to their age and interests—games, social media trends etc. It is not like decades ago where we all watched one show and could reference it with everyone from the cashier in the supermarket, our grandparents and our colleagues at work. This difference in consumption often leads to a sense of disconnection, as we lack shared experiences, common topics and even language for our conversation. The challenge is not to limit their access (beyond what is necessary and it is not like we can anyways) but to bridge this gap by finding and creating shared experiences that bring us closer together and bond us.
Digging deeper
So many of my clients feel like “cash machines” or even “irrelevant” or” complaining heads” to their children (these are actual words that my clients use), while their children complain that they are not seen, or understood by their parents and adults around them. Parents try to spend more time with their kids but the outcome is not what they are hoping for (one happy and coherent family). What I have observed in the lives of these dedicated parents (blended families included), is that the process of spending time is not enough to guarantee a sense of belonging and bonding within their families. For example, you might have dinner together every night (the process) but there is no meaningful conversation going on (the content). We need to also pay attention to the shared language that we are co-creating within the family system. These reference points become invaluable tools for connection and communication, especially during challenging times.
Literacy
At the base, it's important to gain awareness of what the child you want to connect with likes, what it is that they are interested in (even though you might not understand or approve of it). Here are some other areas to think about:
Food: Sharing meals and treats is a universal way to connect. What are the things that you can cook, bake or places that you can go to for a social treat?
Play: This could be games, sports, or any form of play that brings joy and laughter to all participants. It is ok if one person enjoys them more than others, everyone ultimately will have a turn.
Travel: Discovering new places together can be a wonderful way to bond, whether it's a trip to a nearby park or an adventure to a new neighbourhood or city.
Activities: Hiking, bird watching, paddle boarding, volunteering, taking a new class together like dancing, martial arts, visiting an exhibition, going to a concert, participating in competitions together, etc.
Movies and Shows: Find films, clips or TV shows that appeal to you all. Discussing the themes, characters, and plots can foster deeper connections and understanding. Just make sure you are not subtitling with your comments every scene to impart wisdom or make it a teachable moment (you can do this later).
Nature: Spending a day at the beach, picnicking, or simply walking in the park can be another commonly enjoyed activity to bond with your children. Find out what type of outdoor activity suits your family most based on context, safety and ability.
Fluency
To truly benefit from these shared experiences, we need to take action and integrate these practices into our daily, weekly, monthly and annual calendars. Here are some ideas to help you put this into practice:
Schedule Regular Family Time: Dedicate specific times each week for family activities. This could be a weekly movie night, a Sunday afternoon outing, table games at the dinner table, or a daily evening walk. Consistency helps in building routines that everyone looks forward to. Remember kids have inertia (reluctance to change), but once they get into something and see the rewards involved for everyone, they will even anticipate it. Take turns to plan for these so everyone is involved.
Engage in Joint Projects: Work on projects that require collaboration, such as building a puzzle, putting together the meal plan for the week, gardening, cleaning the house before the guests arrive, setting the table, paying the bills, planning a guest list for the next gathering, or cooking a meal together. These activities encourage teamwork and provide opportunities for conversation and bonding.
Create Rituals: Establish family rituals that everyone can participate in. If you have multiple kids and you can, dedicate individual time for each on a weekly basis. This could be as simple as having breakfast together on weekends, reading a bedtime story, or sharing gratitude or highs and lows at the dinner table. Rituals provide a sense of belonging.
Reflect and Discuss: After shared experiences, take time to reflect and discuss them. Talk about what you enjoyed, what you learned, and how you felt (some talking points could be: Would you do it again? Would you recommend this to your friends? Do you want to include someone else next time? What would you change about it?)
Here are the most common slang words that I learned about recently:
Suss - To investigate or figure out something suspicious.
Skibidi - A playful term often used to indicate excitement or a positive reaction.
Yeet - To throw something with force, or to express excitement.
Fam - Short for "family," used to refer to close friends or a group.
Lit - Something exciting or excellent.
GOAT - Acronym for "Greatest of All Time," used to describe someone or something as the best.
Flex - To show off or boast about something, often one's accomplishments or possessions.
TBH - Acronym for "To be honest," often used before giving an honest opinion.
Salty - To be upset or bitter about something.
Stan - A fan who is extremely enthusiastic about a particular celebrity or pop culture figure.
For individual words, look them up on slang specific blogs (depending on where you live and cultural context they might mean differently) or look them up on the Urban Dictionary: https://www.urbandictionary.com/
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