Do You Know Your Ending Style?

The why behind how you walk away from relationships

 

The Grounding

The way we end relationships profoundly impacts our emotional well-being, as these endings can be healing, harmful or many thin’s in between. Each story in our lives deserves a structured narrative and meaningful closure. Understanding the events in our lives gives us a sense of control and agency. You’ve probably heard of attachment styles, but in this newsletter, I’ll explore something I call "relationship ending styles," helping you uncover your own patterns when it comes to how you handle the end of relationships.

By understanding why you end relationships the way you do, you'll learn how to transform your approach if it's not serving you (and others) well. Additionally, recognizing the ending styles of others can provide closure and clarity for past relationships that might still feel unresolved. These patterns are usually present in all of your relationships from your intimate relationships, work relationships, familial to beyond so when you are reading, have that in mind.

On the Surface

Endings are often seen as failures or something to be avoided, leading many of us to handle them poorly. We may rush through them, avoid them altogether, or leave them unresolved, causing lasting emotional distress. Recognizing that endings are a natural part of life can help us approach them with more clarity and intention.

If you have a hard time with endings and try to avoid them at all costs, you might end up holding on to things and people, which can eventually become overwhelming and keep you stuck in life. On the other hand, if others are constantly ending things with you or for you, it can leave you feeling like you have little control over your own life. Sometimes, you may need to let go of people and things entirely, while at other times, you might just need to redefine their role in your life. Either way, we all have our own ways of dealing with endings—take a moment to reflect on what yours might be.

Digging deeper 

Understanding closure isn't just about ending a chapter. It's about understanding the story of our lives. Having a structured narrative helps us feel more in control and improves our sense of well-being. Recognizing our ending styles and their impact can help us find meaningful closure. Research in narrative therapy shows that creating a clear story about our experiences helps us process emotions better, leading to healthier outcomes. Here are some common ending styles:

Drama Exit: Some individuals create conflict or drama to justify the end. This style is often driven by unresolved emotions, a need for validation, and a way to externalize internal conflict. It can leave both parties hurt and unresolved, leading to lingering resentment and emotional scars. If this is your style, ask yourself what unresolved emotions you might be carrying. How does this ending serve you? Are there healthier ways to express these feelings? If someone ended a relationship with you this way, understand it was about their internal conflicts.

Peaceful or Resolved Exit: This style involves ensuring everyone is okay and on board before ending the relationship. It reflects a desire for mutual understanding and respect, often linked to a secure attachment style. This approach provides closure and a sense of resolution for both parties, fostering mutual respect and positive future interactions. If someone ended a relationship with you this way, appreciate the respect and care they showed.

Promise to Continue Exit: Some people agree or promise to continue the relationship in a different form. This style often stems from a fear of loss or change and reflects a desire to maintain connection and reassurance. While it can provide a sense of continuity, it may lead to unclear boundaries and unresolved emotions. If this is your style, think about how these promises have impacted your relationships. If someone ended a relationship with you this way, understand their need for reassurance. Clearly define new terms of engagement. Ensure both parties understand and agree to the new boundaries and maintain communication about any changes in the relationship dynamic.

Overlap Exit: This style involves ensuring a new attachment before detaching from the current one. It is often driven by fear of being alone or uncertainty about the future, linked to anxious attachment styles. While it may create a sense of security, it can also create complex emotional dynamics and unfinished business, potentially hurting all involved parties. If this is your style, consider why you feel the need for a new attachment before ending the current one. What fears are driving this behavior? If someone ended a relationship with you this way, recognize their need for security. 

Sudden Exit: Some individuals abruptly end the relationship without warning. This style is often a result of built-up resentment or avoidance of conflict, possibly linked to avoidant attachment styles. It leaves the other party confused and hurt, with no chance for closure, leading to unresolved grief. If this is your style, explore why you avoid conflict and how this avoidance impacts your relationships. If someone ended a relationship with you this way, understand that their avoidance was likely about their own discomfort with conflict. 

Partial Exit: This style involves leaving physically or emotionally while maintaining some form of connection. It reflects ambivalence about the relationship, often tied to mixed feelings and conflicting desires. This approach can create confusion and mixed signals, making it difficult for both parties to move on. If this is your style, reflect on why you struggle with fully ending relationships. What fears or conflicts are you avoiding? If someone ended a relationship with you this way, recognize their ambivalence. Decide on clear boundaries. 

Surprise Exit: This style involves ending the relationship unexpectedly, often to punish or cause hurt, using the exit as a weapon. It is driven by unresolved anger, desire for revenge, or impulsive decision-making. This approach is deeply damaging and leaves lasting scars, often creating more conflict and emotional pain. If this is your style, consider why you feel the need to end relationships in a way that causes pain. What unresolved issues or anger are you carrying?

No Guilt Exit: This style involves leaving with grace, ensuring everyone is cared for. It reflects a sense of responsibility. This approach provides a compassionate end, fostering positive feelings and potential for future positive interactions. If someone ended a relationship with you this way, appreciate the care they showed. 

Literacy 

Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on past relationship endings. What patterns do you notice? How did these endings make you feel?

Identify Triggers: Recognize what triggers your specific ending style. Is it fear, anger, uncertainty? Identifying these triggers can help you manage them more effectively.

Fluency

Endings are inevitable, but they don’t have to be devastating. By understanding our ending styles and making conscious changes, we can ensure that the way we end relationships contributes to our growth and healing. Recognizing the diversity of ending styles can also bring closure to unresolved relationships. 

Sometimes you need to end a relationship in its current form and start another one with the same person. Have a look at the Bucketing, Rebucketing and Pruning exercise I give to my clients. You can download it for free here. This is a great exercise for individuals, couples and families. I hope you find this framework and tool helpful.

An invitation:

Let me know how I can be there for you in 2025. What do you want me to write about? talk about? do you like the written format or prefer a video post? guide me to be there for you.

With love and light for a bright New Year ahead!

Dr. Sara