From Guarded to Grounded: Healing After Sexual Pain
Navigating the Other Side of Painful sex: Finding Balance and Purpose Beyond Suffering
Grounding
Many believe that the other side of the spectrum from sexual pain is pleasure, but I have to say this is not what I have been observing for more than 20 years of my work with individuals and couples who come to me with the presenting issue of “painful sex”.
For those who have lived with chronic physical pain (including sexual), the absence of it can be as disorienting as its presence. This transition is a quiet but common experience, often overlooked in healing narratives that equate recovery with joy. You might think, this is counterintuitive, nobody wants pain! But healing is rarely that simple.
As pain recedes, questions arise: Who am I now? How do I relate to my body, my partner, my purpose? and, what are the expectations of others from me now?
This is not an isolated experience. Whether it's recovering from chronic illness, the aftermath of a turbulent relationship, or the easing of sexual pain, the departure of suffering often creates a void and that void can be filled with doubt, fear, or confusion as easily as it can be with hope. These nuanced emotional spaces are part of our shared humanity, reminding us that healing is not a finish line, but an unfolding.
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Nearly 30% of women experience pain during sex at some point in their lives.
On the Surface
Pain, especially when it is unwanted and chronic, becomes a defining force. It influences how we move, love, work, and even how we speak about ourselves. It becomes both a signal of distress and a sculptor of identity. In the realm of sexual health, for instance, pain during sex when persistent, can entwine itself with a person's identity, making the prospect of pain-free intimacy feel unfamiliar, even untrustworthy.
A 2015 study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine estimated that nearly 30% of women experience pain during sex at some point in their lives. That number only hints at the layers of emotional, relational, and cultural narratives that accompany such experiences.
Actress and advocate Tia Mowry opened up about her battle with endometriosis and the painful sex it brought, shedding light on how silent and silencing this experience can be. She was not alone, Julianne Hough spoke openly about her frustration with sex because of endometriosis and Meghan Trainor vulnerably shared her painful experiences caused by vaginismus after childbirth (involuntary contractions of vaginal muscles that make penetration impossible or very difficult). But what we hear less about is what happens when the pain subsides.
…pain has dual roles. It can be a motivator propelling us to seek answers, advocacy, or escape. And it can also become an identity marker something we build our stories, relationships, and self-worth around. Some even experience what I call post-pain perplexity a dissonance between relief and residual grief.
Why this matters to all of us: Whether it is sexual pain, heartbreak, burnout, or grief, we all carry some version of pain that has, at times, shaped our identity. And if healing is in the cards, then learning to navigate life beyond pain is not just a personal journey it’s a relational one. How we emerge from pain influences how we relate to ourselves and to others, from the bedroom to the boardroom, and everywhere in between.
Digging Deeper
For many of my clients, the easing of sexual pain has not immediately translated to a sense of normalcy or pleasure. In fact, it often triggers a quiet crisis: If I’m not in pain, why don’t I feel free? or why am I not having pleasurable experiences now that the pain is gone? Pain, once a warning bell, had become a tether, a strange anchor that offered clarity, even if it came at a high cost. Once untethered, they feel unsettled.
Why is that? Because pain has dual roles. It can be a motivator propelling us to seek answers, advocacy, or escape. And it can also become an identity marker something we build our stories, relationships, and self-worth around. Some even experience what I call post-pain perplexity a dissonance between relief and residual grief.
In many cultures, silent suffering is seen as a badge of strength. Letting go of that pain can feel like letting go of strength itself. In intimate relationships, this transition can spark new dynamics: partners might not know how to respond to a new, more expressive or receptive version of their loved one; intimacy scripts built around avoidance must be rewritten.
The departure of sexual pain or any form of pain, leaves a space. But what fills that space? Fear of its return. Rage that it stayed so long. Anxiety around the expectations of others now that the “barrier” is gone. Bewilderment that healing didn’t bring immediate pleasure. And sometimes, grief for the time and intimacy lost.
Literacy: Questions to Cultivate Awareness
What role has pain played in shaping your identity or choices?
In what ways has pain been a motivator or an inhibitor, in your relationships?
How might cultural or relational narratives around pain influence the way you perceive healing?
Who are you becoming now that pain no longer sits in the driver’s seat?
What emotions expected or unexpected, have surfaced in the absence of pain?
Fluency: Practices to Begin Your New Chapter
Practice Mindfulness: Stay grounded in the present through body awareness, breathwork, or mindful journaling. This can help you relate to your body not as a battleground, but as a living, breathing ally.
Reconnect with Pleasure: Learn/Relearn what feels good without expectation. Explore sensory joys that have nothing to do with performance or pain. This might include warm baths, textured fabrics, use of sex toys, or even slow dancing in your living room.
Seek New Motivations: Let your values not your pain, chart your next steps. Ask: What do I long to create, feel, or contribute now?
Communicate Courageously: If you choose to, share your evolving experiences with a partner, therapist, coach or trusted friend. Intentional communication can help re-establish intimacy and mutual growth. (You can find certified sex therapists through the American Association for Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists AASECT or the College of Sex and Relationship Therapists in the UK COSRT.)
Allow the Discomfort of Healing: Accept that rage, grief, and confusion are valid. Healing is not always linear or uplifting, it can be layered and messy. Extend compassion to yourself and others navigating this shift.
As I often explore in The Common Ground, relational wisdom is not about reaching perfection it’s about expanding our capacity to be with complexity. Healing from pain isn’t just the end of suffering; it’s the beginning of a new way of relating to yourself, to others, and to life.
Invitations:
Colleagues, Register for Innovation in Psychotherapy Conference through THIS LINK with the discount code: INV50 . I hope to see you in California in October!
Let me know what resonates and share with anyone who will find this blog meaningful.