Midlife crisis or awakening?
Crisis, Awakening, or somewhere in between?
The Grounding
Midlife often evokes two contrasting images: a crisis of regret and dissatisfaction or an awakening filled with renewed purpose. What if we lived somewhere in between. Our perceptions are shaped by societal expectations and personal experiences.
We are told that we should have achieved stability, momentum and success in various areas of life by a certain age or certain ways. This pressure can lead to feelings of disillusionment and anxiety if expectations are unmet and even if they are, they don’t guarantee our satisfaction.
On the Surface
I came from a culture where reaching your 40s often meant settling into a well-defined and predictable life. Those who were admired and respected had typically achieved certain milestones by that age, while those who hadn’t were often viewed as lost causes, lacking in hard work, or deserving of pity.
It took me years, along with many interactions and observations across various cultures, to challenge and ultimately liberate myself from these limiting ideals. This journey has allowed me to assist my clients in their own paths of self-discovery. I hope that by sharing my learnings here, I can support you on your graceful journey as well.
Digging deeper
Viewing midlife as the peak of one’s life—regardless of whether individuals have achieved their expected milestones—instills a sense of urgency. This perspective implies that from this point forward, life is often seen as a downhill journey. Consequently, the struggle against time, aging, and a perceived loss of momentum takes on new significance.
For those who meet societal milestones by middle age, the question arises: What’s next? Many seek to reconnect with themselves—physically, spiritually, or socially. Some pursue healthier lifestyles, rekindle old friendships, or explore new passions. However, are they seeking fulfillment or merely reacting to urgency?
When individuals have not met societal expectations they may experience a deep sense of loss. This phase often involves reflecting on lost hopes and dreams, discerning which aspirations were genuinely their own and which were imposed by external pressures. Acceptance and compassion become vital as they navigate these feelings. Acknowledging this grief can pave the way for new beginnings, as individuals reassess their values and aspirations.
I often would like to bring Eros to these conversations. Eros is the life force, vital energy that inspires passion, creativity, and deep connection. It can manifest in various forms. Some of us seek it externally, chasing activities or experiences that invigorate us. This may include: adventure of some sort, new relationships, hobbies and interests, wellness practices, changing careers or deepening existing relationships.
Conversely, some individuals look inward to rediscover their Eros. They may engage in: Introspection, Therapeutic Practices, Spiritual Exploration, Personal Growth.
Regardless of whether we seek Eros externally or internally (or both), this quest can generate new energy that ripples through our relationships, leading to stronger connections, shifting from one form to another or, at times, estrangement and break ups of some sort.
Transcending the binary of crisis and awakening, midlife can serve as a reawakening—a period for introspection, drawing on past wisdom, and realigning priorities with one’s true purpose. This doesn’t require abandoning everything we’ve known; rather, genuine purpose often emerges through moments of joy and deep engagement, illuminating our path forward.
Literacy:
To cultivate self-aliteracy around midlife, consider these questions:
Expectations vs. Reality: Reflect on someone you admired as a child and now at your current age. How do you compare? Have your views changed? how do these impact your expectations of yourself?
Personal Growth and Aspirations: What are your current values and priorities? Are there new interests you wish to explore?
Regrets and Resilience: What disappointments linger? How can you reframe them into learning opportunities?
Future Directions: What are your aspirations for the next phase of life? How can you nurture fulfillment daily?
Reflect on Your Core Values: What core values will you hold onto, even when life becomes challenging? Are your daily thoughts and actions aligned with these values?
Fluency
Here are some actionable ways to incorporate your literacy into daily life:
Create a Values Inventory: Make a list of your current values and priorities. Rank them in order of importance.
Create a Resources Inventory: is the way you spend your time, energy, attention and money aligned with your values inventory? if not, what can you do to make it happen?
Change Your Narrative: Based on your reflections, establish specific, achievable trajectory of life that aligns with your current values, rather than past ideals.
Vision Board Creation: Craft a vision board that visually represents your aspirations for the next phase of life. Include images, quotes, and symbols that inspire you and remind you of your goals.
Reframe Your Regrets: Write down any lingering disappointments and consider how they can serve as valuable lessons. Otherwise, they will weigh you down, leading to more regrets in the years to come. We only glance in the rearview mirror to navigate onto the freeway!
Expand Your social Capital: Surround yourself with people who inspire and motivate you. Some of us feel driven by those we don’t want to be like, while others find encouragement in those who have achieved what we hope to accomplish or who can offer support along the way. Here’s a simple exercise I give to my clients to help them build their social capital. I hope it helps you too.
Daily Fulfillment Check-In: Establish a daily practice where you reflect on one action you took that brought you fulfillment, no matter how small. This could be as simple as enjoying a favorite activity or connecting with a loved one.
Weekly Alignment Review: Set aside time each week to assess your thoughts and actions against your core values. Make adjustments as needed to ensure you stay aligned with what truly matters to you.
Practice Consideration: As you navigate your journey, be mindful of how your changes impact those around you. Consider having open conversations with friends or family about your growth and seek their support in your journey.
The Notice Board
For Colleagues:
On November 4th, I will be teaching in person in Orlando for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists on the Emergent Love Model: an Antidote to Love Confusion. You can read more about the conference and register here.
On November 12th, I will be speaking at the Manhattan Sex Therapy Group (online- members only) on Clinical skills related to working with couples.
On November 13th, I will be teaching for the Sex Ed Lecture Series on Touch Lexicon and Sexual Blueprints. You can learn more about this online webinar here.
On November 15th, I will be giving a lecture online at the Couples Conference 2024 to teach on Helping Couples Build Their Love Blueprint. You can register here.
For Everyone:
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