More Than Kind: Rethinking Generosity
Why Generosity Is Not Selfless, and Why That Matters
Grounding
When we speak of generosity, most people think of grand gestures: giving money, sharing time, offering help. We picture saints and philanthropists; kind-hearted souls whose giving seems effortless and endless. But is that all generosity is?
Is a compliment generous? A pause before reacting? A hand, held in silence?
And who decides if something feels generous—the giver or the receiver?
In our everyday interactions, generosity functions like a social lubricant—greasing the wheels of connection, soothing friction, and inviting a sense of belonging. But like all virtues, its meaning is shaped by context, culture, and our personal capacity to give.
On the Surface
The word generosity in English stems from the Latin generōsus, meaning “of noble birth.” Originally, it had less to do with how much one gave and more to do with who one was—generosity was a mark of character, not a transaction.
Over time, the meaning shifted—from noble lineage to noble spirit. Generosity came to describe a willingness to give freely, to extend oneself without expecting repayment in kind.
We are a global community here. What words come to mind when you think of generosity—its meanings, expressions, and acts? Share them with me in the comments below. I’d love to hear from you. Look at the ones in the comments for the terminologies that I am familiar with and add to them!
Digging Deeper:
So far I talked about The Lineage of generosity, now we get to the nature and nuances of it and I want to ask you this question: is generosity selfless? Or is it secretly selfish? Do we give because we want to help or because giving makes us feel good, needed, loved? how is it different from the nature of any other social exchange?
The truth likely lives in the nuance. Generosity doesn't require equality, but it does thrive on reciprocity—not in the “I’ll match you dollar for dollar” sense, but in the mutual recognition of effort, care, and presence. A generous act may not be mirrored, but it is felt, absorbed into the emotional economy of a relationship.
Especially in intimate partnerships, generosity can become the currency of connection or a point of quiet resentment. When one partner goes out of their way consistently, and the other simply goes their way, the imbalance can bruise.
In Love by Design, I describe “going out of your way for someone” as one of the critical loving behaviors. Why? Because it signals intentionality. It says: I see you. I value you enough to shift my course - even momentarily, for your comfort, joy, or need.
But what does generosity mean in a time when we are all being told to “advocate for our needs,” to “set boundaries,” to “protect our energy”? Is there a new definition of generosity we need to consider- One that integrates self-awareness with self-extension?
And more crucially, Can we afford to take generosity for granted?
Generosity in High-Stakes Relationships
In romantic partnerships, generosity often shows up in less visible ways:
Giving the benefit of the doubt
Offering emotional space without withdrawing love
Listening with interest, not with an intend to respond
Choosing kindness over being right
These aren’t dramatic gestures. But they are, in many ways, harder. They require emotional fluency, self-regulation, and an attuned awareness of the other person’s nervous system. Generosity in love is not about giving what you would want (golden rule), it’s about noticing what they need (platinum rule), and offering it, when and how you can.
Literacy
Understanding generosity begins with our internal literacy—how we perceive, receive, and release generosity in our lives. Consider these reflection points:
Perceive: What feels generous to me? Is it effort, sacrifice, thoughtfulness, risk?
Receive: How do I respond to others’ generosity? Do I accept with ease? Feel entitled to receive it? or deflect it?
Release: In what ways do I express generosity? Through words, actions, attention, money? time?
Other questions to explore:
Do I view generosity as optional or essential in close relationships?
When I give, do I expect a certain kind of response?
Can someone still be generous if what they give costs them little?
Do I recognize everyday generosity from people in my life? Do I express gratitude?
Have I equated generosity with grand gestures and missed the quiet offerings?
Fluency
Try these small generous actions in your relationships and see how they are received:
Perceive → Notice small things your partner values. Anticipate a need before it’s named.
Receive → When someone offers help or affection, practice saying: “Thank you”; “That means a lot”; “It made a difference”; “I really appreciate you”.
Release → Choose one act of “going out of your way” this week not because you have to, but because you can.
Other ideas:
Write a generous message, with no ask attached.
Offer your presence fully for 15 minutes—no devices, no distractions.
Let someone else go first, not because they need to, but because it’s a simple gift of pace.
Receive and validate someone’s emotions even if you don’t agree with them.
What would your relationships feel like if generosity wasn’t an exception, but a shared rhythm?
The Notice Board
For colleagues working with individuals and couples: I’m starting a new consultation group focused on psychosexual issues and couples’ dynamics. The group will run for six sessions, from Friday, May 2nd through June 6th, meeting weekly from 8:30–10:00 AM PST (we have two spots left). If you’re interested or would like more details, feel free to reach out here.