Permission to Hug
The Language of Touch, From Body to Word, From Intention to Impact
The Grounding
Touch is something we all navigate, whether we name it or not. We touch and are touched, in big ways and small ones, every day (well these days, sadly only if we are lucky this is the case). A hand on a shoulder, a hug at the door, a pat of reassurance, a brush that lingers a moment too long, a body that steps closer, or one that steps back.
Touch lives in our most intimate spaces, and also in our workplaces, families, communities, and cultures. We all carry histories of touch that felt welcome, confusing, healing, intrusive, loving, or painful. This is our common ground for this first month of the year!
On the Surface
I recently watched Zootopia 2, and one small line stayed with me. Each time the snake character wanted to hug someone, it would pause and say, “Permission to hug?”
It was tender, almost playful, and deeply instructive.
It reminded me of something I often say in my work. Every touch has a story. A beginning, a middle, and an end (an excerpt from my book Love by Design: 6 ingredients to Build a lifetime of love).
Touch is never neutral. It carries intention, memory, power, and meaning, even when we do not realize it.
What struck me most was not just the asking, but the translation. The body had an impulse, and the mouth gave it language. Two languages meeting. The language of the body, and the language spoken on behalf of the body.
We tend to think of touch as instinctive, something we simply know how to do because we have bodies. Yet research and clinical experience suggest otherwise. Touch is one of the least explicitly taught, yet most emotionally charged, forms of human communication. Developmental psychology, trauma research, and cross cultural studies consistently show that touch norms vary widely, and misunderstandings around touch are a common source of rupture, distress, and harm.
This matters to everyone because touch sits at the intersection of safety, consent, belonging, and power. It is where personal history meets social context. It is where intimacy meets professionalism. It is where good intentions can land well, or miss entirely.
This is why it belongs in the Common Ground.
Digging Deeper
There are, in many ways, two languages of touch.
One is spoken by the body. It is fast, implicit, shaped by early experiences, cultural norms, and nervous system patterns. This is the body that leans in, freezes, reaches, recoils, or softens.
The other is spoken through words, on behalf of the body. This language can connect the two, or create distance between them. We use it to invite, “May I sit closer?” to protect, “I am not comfortable with that,” to defend, “I did not mean it that way,” or to repair, “I see now that did not land well.” Sometimes these two languages are aligned. Sometimes they are not!
I was once being interviewed by a radio station in Zurich, and the host asked me, quite earnestly, why we need specialists in sexuality or somatic therapy. “We all have bodies,” he said, “don’t we know what to do with them?”
I remember pausing. Partly because I did not agree, at least not in the way he meant it. And partly because I wanted to sit with the question honestly. What would you have said? (share with me in the comments below).
Across cultures, ages, and contexts, I have seen how often people do not know how to be with their own bodies, let alone someone else’s. How easily bodies move toward habit rather than attunement. How quickly touch becomes a way to regulate one’s own anxiety, claim closeness, avoid words, or assert belonging, rather than a response to the other person in front of us.
In therapy rooms, I see the aftermath. People who learned early that touch meant obligation rather than choice. Others who learned that asking was unnecessary, or even unsafe. Some who use touch to soothe others without checking if it is wanted. Some who learned to silence their own bodily “no” because the relational cost felt too high.
Touch, like language, needs literacy. And literacy grows into fluency if you put it into practice.
Literacy
To build awareness, I invite you to sit with these reflections.
· What is my default relationship to touch when I want to connect, when I want to comfort, when I feel anxious, when I want closeness?
· When I touch, or refrain from touching, whose needs am I responding to, mine, theirs, or an unspoken rule I learned long ago?
· How comfortable am I translating bodily impulses into words, asking, naming, checking, and how does that vary across contexts, home, work, community?
· How does my bodily ability come to the picture? How has this changed over time?
· What did touch mean in the culture, family, or environment where I learned it initially?
Fluency
Fluency is where insight becomes lived practice.
· Try pairing body and language. Before touching, pause and name your intention, even silently. Ask yourself, “What am I hoping this touch will do?”
· Practice permission-based language, not only for hugs, but for proximity, presence, and pace. “Would it help to sit closer?” “Would you like a hug, or would you prefer space?” “Is it okay if I put my hand here?”
· Notice endings. Every touch has an end, and endings matter as much as beginnings. Let the body complete the story rather than linger out of habit or fear.
· In professional and communal spaces, remember that clarity builds safety. Clear language is not cold, it is kind and necessary.
· And when in doubt, translate. Let the mouth speak for the body.
· The simple phrase “permission to hug” is not about restriction. It is about respect. It is about remembering that connection deepens when choice is present.
That is a language worth practicing, together.
I am curious what stayed with you as you read this. If you feel moved to share, your reflections are welcome, and you are always invited to offer this piece to others who might find meaning in it.
The Notice board
If you have read my most recent book, Love by design : 6 ingredients to build a lifetime of love and found it helpful, I would be very grateful if you can leave a review on Amazon or Good read to help others find this resource. Once the review is up, please send a message to me and I will send you a digital resource to deepen your fluency with the 6 ingredients.
Valentine’s Day is a few weeks away and I am giving away signed copies of my book. check out my instagram page for further details @dr.saranasserzadeh