Sleep your way to love
How the quality of your sleep can make or break your relationships
Can your sleep habits make or break your relationship?
The Grounding
I can’t tell you how many couples come to me with frustrations about a partner’s sleep habits. One snores, talks in their sleep, or grinds their teeth; another wakes up multiple times to go to the bathroom. Some prefer the room to be too hot or too cold, want intimacy in the middle of the night, or fall asleep with the TV blaring or EarPods in, leaving their partner to deal with the disturbance. There are those who need lights left on, listen to the radio on speaker, have restless leg syndrome, or insist on having kids—or pets—in the room or bed. You name it, I’ve heard it all!
In most cases, couples don’t volunteer this information—they either don’t see it as relevant or assume it’s just how things are. These details usually surface when I ask about their sleep quality and habits, as I try to help them explore the underlying context of issues like diminished overall attraction to one another, reduced sexual intimacy, and rising resentment.
In this post, I’ll walk you through how these issues impact relationships, uncover some common assumptions, and offer fresh perspectives. My goal is to encourage a more open and effective approach to navigating the diverse needs within your partnership—needs that might just transform your relationship for the better.
On the Surface
Many couples grapple with mismatched sleep habits. They may consider sleeping in separate rooms or beds, but also fear that it may signal trouble in paradise. The notion of sharing a bed has been romanticized as a cornerstone of intimacy, and straying from this norm in any way can evoke feelings of unease or even shame.
Alternative sleeping arrangements (not going to bed at the same time, or in the same bed or room) have been stigmatized as a deficiency within a relationship. Couples may feel pressured to conform to societal expectations, fearing judgment or questioning the stability of their union. Unfortunately terminologies such as “sleep divorced” is not very helpful either.
For couples who are forced to have different sleeping times and sleep routines due to work hours, young children with interrupted sleep, health issues and so on the question is: will our coupledom survive this?
Digging deeper
Good sleep supports mood, memory, immunity, productivity, and even intimacy—just one extra hour of sleep can increase desire for closeness. An ideal sleep environment depends on individual needs, which can be challenging if a partner’s habits or health conditions are not helping but disrupting your sleep.
Sleeping together isn’t a marker of relationship health; it’s one of many ways to connect if it doesn’t interfere with restful sleep. In fact, 1 in 4 people sleep separately due to mismatched habits or medical needs.
Sleep is a vulnerable state best achieved when one feels sufficiently safe. This often depends on the social surroundings. This is needed for the person to down-regulate vigilance and alertness to be able to fall asleep. Studies show that when you fall asleep besides a person with whom you feel safe, you have better sleep satisfaction, even if the quality isn’t objectively better. Over time, however, if your partner’s presence hinders your sleep, your body may begin to resist them, even if mentally you still feel connected.
Below are some ways that you can learn more about your/your partner’s sleeping needs (literacy) and create action items (fluency) to make your sleeping patterns healthier for yourselves and your relationship.
Literacy
What to know before you act
To respect your partner's physical needs, focus on how you interact within your shared space. Begin by understanding each other’s sleep preferences: what makes sleep deeper and more pleasant for each of you?
Consider how you each wind down before bed, paying attention to your mental, emotional, and physical states. Assess whether there's too much stimulation in the home that might hinder relaxation—this could include hobbies, children's routines, neighborhood noise, or even pet activity. Identify the specific factors impacting your sleep.
Review each sensory aspect of your environment. Is it dark enough, quiet enough, and comfortable enough? Are the sheets clean and cozy? Do you have enough space and a comfortable temperature? Address any concerns—like being woken up by a child—so you can make adjustments. Work together with your partner to gather this information and make changes for better, more restful sleep.
Fluency
How to integrate what you know and feel
Take the time to listen to your partner and communicate to them the ways that each of you would like your sleeping space to be. This includes things like not approaching your partner for sexy time at midnight when they’ve told you a few times that the answer will always be no after nine p.m. because they have to be up early (I will talk about how to get quality sex in your relationship in the coming issues of The Common Ground).
One critical note here: If you choose to go to bed separately or sleep in different places, it’s essential to spend 5-10 minutes together beforehand—whether that means back-to-back breathing, eye-gazing, holding hands, cuddling, or kissing. This helps ensure that your bodies stay connected and don’t come to view each other as sources of disruption or dissonance. For many couples, this is the only time of day they can physically connect, so taking these few moments intentionally prevents distance from growing between you, supporting a deeper bond over time.
Get qualified help for any medical problems, and do some research on how to make your bedroom suitable and inviting for you both.
Intercultural Perspectives
Sleeping habits vary across cultures. In individualistic cultures, sleeping separately for better sleep quality may be acceptable, while in cultures that prioritize couple togetherness, it may not be feasible or even allowed.
In households with limited space or cultural norms favoring cohabitation (such as living with in-laws), sleeping separately might not be possible. Alternatives include improving the sleep environment, seeking medical advice, or making lifestyle adjustments. For example, if your partner snores, consider earplugs or noise-canceling headphones designed for sleep.
The Kindness Clause
In a loving relationship, it’s important to meet each other’s needs—including sleep. Don’t take it personally if your partner has different sleep needs. Share this article with your partner to start informed conversations and create better routines together.
The Notice Board
This post was based on an excerpt from Love by Design: 6 Ingredients to Build a lifetime of love.
You can reply directly to this Newsletter with your questions, comments and thoughts as you do to any emails. I look forward to hearing from you.