The Partner Who Never Says No!
How AI is redefining what we believe relational and sexual closeness should feel like
The Grounding
Valentine’s Day is usually about flowers, dinners, and affection. Yet, as I think about the couples and individuals I meet with each week, I am drawn to the subtler question beneath it all. How is love changing, and what is truly happening to our sense of intimacy.
In recent months, more of my clients have walked into my office with a mix of nervousness and curiosity (I call this being nervited!). They whisper it at the end of a session or bring it up lightly as if testing the waters.
What does it mean that people are turning to AI companions for sex and connection? Should we be worried? Could this actually be helpful?
These questions come from individuals who feel overwhelmed by the pace of change and from couples who sense that intimacy is entering a new chapter that could potentially mean the end of boredom with one another or the beginning of a disastrous spill of “the third”.
At least when there is a third that is a human, you have some ideas how to define it, talk about it, put parameters around it but what if the third entity is a machine?! Then what? The arrival of artificial partners feels both exciting and unsettling. They offer comfort without complexity, pleasure without negotiation, and companionship without the vulnerability and demands of another person’s needs.
And that is exactly why we need to understand what is taking shape beneath the surface.
How many of us fast-forward through audiobooks, skip halfway through a song, or scroll past videos after only a few seconds. Our attention, and our tolerance for staying with something, has quietly narrowed. We get used to moving on the moment something feels slow or uncomfortable.
On the Surface
AI companions, whether through text-based platforms or embodied devices, are designed to adapt perfectly to the user. They respond with interest, affirmation, curiosity, and availability. If the user prefers slow emotional connection, the AI offers it. If they prefer explicit sexual fantasy, the AI follows without hesitation. There are no hard feelings, no moments of misunderstanding, no fatigue or distraction, and no emotional labor required.
From the outside, this might seem harmless or even helpful. After all, many people struggle with loneliness and shame. Some feel rejected in their relationships or have sexual difficulties that make intimacy stressful. AI can feel like a safe place to explore desires or practice conversations.
There is promise in this, and I want to acknowledge it. For people who have experienced trauma, who live with disabilities, or who are far from a partner due to geography or circumstance, these tools can offer a sense of comfort and companionship that they cannot experience otherwise. I have also seen these used with transparency and with agreed boundaries in a couple, where they even expanded the erotic repertoire in thoughtful and consensual ways.
Sherry Turkle, a leading scholar on technology and human relationships, describes this moment as one where we are “alone together,” surrounded by interaction, yet sometimes drifting farther away from genuine relational intimacy.
Why does this matter for all of us, regardless of whether we use these tools?
Because AI is becoming a part of what many people now believe intimacy should feel like. Easy. Responsive. Predictable. Instantly gratifying.
And when those expectations begin to travel into human relationships, the common ground we rely on can quietly and significantly shift.
Digging Deeper
I often describe intimacy as two intertwined experiences.
In to me I see.
In to me you see.
When AI becomes a companion, one side of that equation begins to disappear. The machine is programmed to see you. It mirrors you perfectly (by now it is a known fact that it has confirmation bias - basically, whatever you say, it is on your side). It never interrupts your emotional narrative. It does not challenge you, misunderstand you, or need you to stretch.
For years, I have observed that people who seek sexual knowledge or intimacy from paid channels, are more self focused and have less atonement with their actual partners. This is mainly because the transaction is clear; you get the service you paid for therefore you don’t have to worry about the other person. Imagine this becoming available to everyone, for the most part free and way beyond sexual interactions.
That can feel soothing. It can also slowly weaken the relational muscles that meaningful partnership requires.
In human relationships, friction is not failure. Friction is information. It teaches patience, social awareness, repair, and creative problem solving. It has texture. It deepens meaning. When a person becomes accustomed to closeness without friction, the ordinary disruptions of human life can start to feel intolerable.
Clients tell me:
”It always understands me.”
”It never says it is tired.”
”It remembers everything about me.”
It does not always feel like a betrayal. More often, it is a quiet drift. Little by little, the emotional center moves toward the world that asks less of us. The partner who remains does not always feel rejected. They simply begin to feel less chosen.
This is where awareness becomes essential. AI does not need to be the enemy of intimacy. With honesty, clear boundaries, and shared agreements, it can have a thoughtful place in some people’s lives. The real invitation is to stay awake. Notice how it shapes your expectations, and how it may be slowly re-training your brain and “heart”.
And I often find myself thinking; how do we keep patience, tolerance, and resilience alive if we no longer need them in our everyday interactions?
Literacy
Reflection questions to understand your relationship with AI
When do you turn to AI most often, and what are you looking for in that moment, comfort, distraction, validation, solution, fantasy, or relief?
How emotionally attached do you feel to the AI you interact with? If you imagine not using it for a week, what comes up for you?
Is there anything you share more easily with AI than with a real person? What makes it easier there, and what might that be teaching you?
Does AI ever replace moments when you could reach out to a partner, friend, or family member? How often does that happen? (many people tell me that they use it in between sessions with their therapist or coach)
If your partner or someone close to you saw your AI interactions, would anything feel confusing or hurtful for them? What would you want to explain?
When you think ahead, where do you see this relationship with AI going? Does it feel like a tool, a habit, or something else/more?
Fluency
Practical steps to use AI with awareness, integrity, and care
Name your intention before using AI. Say it to yourself. “I am here to explore fantasy,” or “I am coping,” or “I am learning.” Naming creates choice.
Create boundaries. Decide where AI belongs in your relational life and where it does not. Consider time limits, topics, or emotional depth limits. (this includes how much you share about your partner, child, friend, etc.)
If you are partnered, talk openly. Share what AI provides for you and agree together on what feels respectful and safe. Return to this conversation regularly.
When you feel tempted to turn to AI for comfort first, try a small human gesture before you do. A message to a friend, a hug, a walk, a conversation with someone you trust.
If AI starts to feel like the place where you are most emotionally seen, take that as information rather than shame. It may signal deeper areas of growth, healing, or communication that deserve attention in real life.
Periodically pause your AI interactions for a set time, maybe a day or a weekend. Notice how it affects your mood, your desire, and your connection with others.
observe yourself in moments of discomfit and conflict. Do you feel your tolerance is becoming less?
If this conversation opens something for you, you may enjoy spending more time with these ideas in Love by Design: 6 Ingredients to Build a Lifetime of Love, where I explore how we can build relationships that feel intentional, steady, and deeply alive.
The Notice Board:
For providers: I teamed up with PESI to bring you a comprehensive course on psychosexual therapy. read more and sign up here. you will receive a certificate and 16 hours of AACEST CEs. we will start the online course in April which includes live consultation sessions with myself. I look froward to welcoming you!
My TED talk is going to be out on February 10th. I will post about it on my socials and you can also look it up online under my last name and Ted Talk.
as a refresher for the 6 critical ingredients that make a loving relationship thrive.
I would love to connect with you and here from you; here, on instagram and LinkedIn. The Common Ground
In the Media and Press
Every month, I will share my whereabouts and contributions to various media and press with the hope that you find them helpful:
Guardian | Has your relationship become a sexual desert? These tips should help spice things up again.
Daily Mirror | In Conversation with Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh On Education SEX in Sri Lanka and Why Protection Isn’t “Western” : Part 1 & Part 2.
The Trouble with Sex Podcast| Love by Design:
The Better half Podcast | Presence over Performance:
The Impact Magazine | Cover story “Love by Design” with Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh.
