Touch 101: Developing a Touch Lexicon
Exploring the depths of physical connection beyond sexual touch
Consider the role of physical touch in your relationship. It's a fundamental form of communication, often overshadowed by its association with sexual intimacy. For many couples, physical contact primarily comes from their partners, making it a critical aspect of their connection. Yet, limiting physical interaction to just sex can restrict the full expression of a relationship's dynamics. In this piece, we will explore how varied forms of touch reflect the multitude of roles we play in our relationships and how expanding our “touch lexicon” can deepen our connection.
On the Surface
Physical touch in romantic relationships might seem synonymous with sexual contact. This view, however, overlooks the rich spectrum of non-sexual touches that express love, care, trust, respect and overall quality of our connection. When we conflate all physical interaction with sexuality, we miss the opportunity to communicate through a variety of touches that embody different aspects of our relationships.
Digging deeper
Take a minute and think about all the diverse roles we play in our coupledom –from co-parents to business partners to emotional supporters. A single form of touch cannot communicate the experiences and expectations that each of these roles have attached to them. Differentiating between types of touch is essential. For instance, a comforting pat on the back to thank your partner for a household chore means something entirely different from a teasing touch that initiates sexual intimacy. Recognizing and diversifying our physical interactions can enrich the ways we connect within our coupledom and is a way to celebrate all the rules that we play within it.
Literacy
In linguistics, a lexicon is the complete set of words in a language. We use multiple “touches” to express different sentiments and needs. Ask yourself: How do you physically say “I love you,” “I’m sorry,” , “I appreciate you” or “ I need you”. Enhancing your touch lexicon can vastly improve how you communicate and connect with your partner on a physical level. Developing awareness around physical touch in relationships begins by recognizing our default patterns. How do we typically express affection, comfort, or desire? Are your gestures of touch in alignment with your intentions, or are they a product of habit?
Reflecting on these patterns is the first step in expanding our touch lexicon. Consider the various forms of touch you use and what they communicate. It's important to become aware of the nuances in your physical interactions and what they represent in the context of your relationships. Moreover, awareness of how our touch is received is crucial. Does a particular touch bring comfort or create distance? How do you know? Understanding your partner’s responses to different types of touch can guide you in adapting your approach to better meet the needs of our relationship. (This is applicable to any close relationship that you have which includes your children, parents, friends and siblings, too).
Fluency
A practical exercise to develop your touch lexicon involves consensual touching where partners guess the intention behind each touch. Pick a time and space that is comfortable and neutral (as much as you can). Taking turns, each partner thinks of a type of touch to convey a message to the other— sensual, platonic, a teasing touch, a touch of comfort, a playful touch, or a tender one— then delivers that touch to the other without telling them what they had hoped to convey. The partner who receives the touch verbalizes how they received and interpreted it.
Some questions to reflect on are: How did this touch make you feel? What sensations did you notice? When was the last time you exchanged such a touch? What were your reactions? What do you think your partner wants to convey through their touch? Was there a memory associated with the touch? Which one of your roles in life or your relationship do you associate with this touch? This practice helps identify preferences, clear up confusions, and foster a more informed and nuanced physical connection.
Remember the importance of consent in these interactions. Using code words for 'green', 'yellow', and 'red' can facilitate ongoing communication and ensure comfort and agreement throughout your physical interactions. As you expand your repertoire of physical interactions, consider how each touch aligns with the varying and unique roles and dynamics in your relationship. Emphasizing this distinction helps maintain a healthy balance between the various aspects of your relationship, ensuring that each touch conveys the message that you intend to send and deepens your bond.
The Notice Board
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