What Constant Distraction Is Doing to Your Relationships
and What You Can Do About It.
The Grounding
No matter what brings people to work with me (relationship difficulties, parenting challenges, burnout, or emotional disconnection) there is often a shared thread beneath it all. They are not fully present.
Even when someone is sitting across from me, I can often sense that their attention is divided. If we are meeting online, there might be a subtle glance toward incoming messages or a quick shift to another tab. If we are meeting in person, the quiet buzz of a smartwatch or the pull of an unopened email can pull them away in an instant.
We live in the time of attention economy and we are rarely doing just one thing at a time anymore. And while the rising diagnosis of attention-related difficulties (such as ADHD) in children has received much attention, we are now seeing this mirrored in adults as well.
Here, I am not speaking about hypervigilance or attention challenges that stem from early trauma or organic causes. I am referring to patterns and habits that we have adopted over time. These are the behaviors that, although normalized, keep us from being grounded in the moment in front of us.
My father always told us:
“when you are here, you are nowhere else so you might as well be fully engaged in here and now”
There is also an energetic quality to presence. Sometimes we arrive to a moment physically, but not emotionally or energetically. We may carry stress from a previous interaction, fatigue from an overloaded day, or distraction from an unfinished conversation. We might come into a meeting or a dinner table with a current of energy that simply does not match the moment or the people before us.
Be where your body is. In any given moment, notice your breath, your feet on the floor, or the sensations around you.
On the Surface
Phones are perhaps the most obvious culprits, but they are not the only ones. The way we live now with constant alerts, infinite scrolls, and the pressure to respond at any hour, trains us to divide our attention. We are encouraged to master the “art of multitasking”.
And when we shift our attention toward a device while in conversation, we send a clear signal: something else is more important than you right now. Imagine turning your head mid-sentence to begin talking with someone else at the dinner table. That would be considered impolite. But when we do the same thing through a phone, it often goes unnoticed or unspoken.
In her thoughtful book Out of Touch, Dr. Michelle Drouin describes how we treat our phones as if they were precious beings like infants. She invites us to pay attention to how we keep them close, check on them often, feel unsettled when they are out of reach, and even soothe ourselves by touching them. They have become our companions, sometimes even more constant than the people around us.
And this is not without consequence. Johann Hari’s Stolen Focus offers a sobering exploration of how these habits affect not only our attention, but our depth of thinking, our creativity, and our capacity for meaningful relationships.
Studies confirm that what we often call multitasking is actually rapid task-switching, which can reduce our productivity by up to forty percent and significantly impair memory, focus, and emotional attunement.
Digging Deeper
What is the cost of distraction? In my work, I see it showing up in many forms. Couples who feel disconnected despite spending time together. Parents who struggle to truly attune to their children. Colleagues who feel unseen or unheard in meetings. Individuals who report sexual challenges (anywhere from premature ejaculation to difficulty experiencing orgasm), because their minds are racing and unable to stay in the moment.
I often tell my clients that we are training ourselves out of our natural rhythms. We rehearse future worries and rehash past conversations so much that we forget how to relate in the present.
It is not only about losing time. It is about losing trust, respect, and the intimacy that grows when people feel truly seen.
We have become human doing and forgot how to be a human when it comes to connecting with others
Literacy
If you are wondering whether presence might be something to strengthen in your own life, here are some signs that might offer insight:
Repeated concerns from others that you are not listening or not really “there,” even if you are physically present
People walking away quietly when you seem distracted, often without saying anything, leaving a moment of connection unrepaired
Your own mind drifting during conversations or daily tasks, even ones that matter to you
Forgetting details of a conversation you had earlier in the day or a moment you shared with someone important
Constant multitasking that leaves you feeling scattered, rather than accomplished
Physical signals like tension, foggy thinking, or restlessness when trying to focus
These are not signs of failure. They are simply invitations to pause, and gently return to your bodies and the feel the ground that you are standing on fully.
Fluency
Here are a few simple yet powerful practices you can try:
Be where your body is. In any given moment, notice your breath, your feet on the floor, or the sensations around you. Let that be your anchor.
Pay attention to transitions. Before entering a new space or role whether it is walking into your home, opening a meeting, or picking up a child, take a breath. Leave behind what is not needed and bring what serves the moment ahead.
Practice presence through your senses. Notice colors, textures, sounds, or scents in your environment. This is especially helpful in grounding your awareness during conversation.
Create intentional no-phone zones. When sharing a meal or intimate conversation, place your phone out of reach and invite others to do the same.
Try a digital cleanse. Choose a few hours or a day each week to disconnect from devices. This is a part of some traditions which comes handy here. Use this time to connect with nature, create something with your hands, or simply be in silence.
Engage in one deep conversation a week. Choose one person to connect with fully, even for just 15 minutes, and give them your full attention without interruptions.
Ask for support. Invite someone close to you to gently point out when they sense you are not present. This can be done with kindness and trust, not judgment. Having a little code word will help!
Presence is not something we master once and for all. It is something we return to, again and again. It is a muscle that strengthens through gentle attention, not force.
When we reclaim our presence, we also reclaim the joy of relating being fully with ourselves, with others, and with the moments that make life meaningful.
The Notice Board
World Sexual Health Day, 2025 is right around the corner. Everyone is welcome to join and celebrate with us. The event is free and virtual. Sign up here.
Lovely colleagues, if you are attending the Innovation in Psychotherapy Conference next month in LA, join me for my workshop on Saturday October 11 or come to get a signed copy of Love by Design on Friday October 10… or just stop by to say hello!