What is covert narcissism?
You might be dealing with one in your life
Recently, narcissism has become quite topical in the mental health space—more and more people have begun to identify narcissistic relationships in their lives not only with their romantic partners but with family members, friends, and even colleagues. Narcissism, however, is a very broad, umbrella term—it encompasses a variety of traits and characteristics. And, within the category of narcissism are various subtypes of narcissism, which sometimes are harder to spot. One type of narcissism that most often slips under the radar of my clients is covert narcissism.
On the Surface
Unlike narcissism as we know it—which is usually identified by grandiose behaviors, a more obvious sense of entitlement, and a more excessive need for praise and words of encouragement—covert narcissism is much subtler in nature, making it a bit harder to both name and navigate. While covert narcissists usually have these similar qualities, including a lack of empathy and an inflated sense of self, they manifest in different ways. Covert narcissists usually operate from feelings of low self-esteem, and appear more introverted. Their narcissism usually stems from insecurity, which is why covert narcissism is sometimes also called vulnerable narcissism.
Digging deeper
What covert narcissists can look like:
They experience extreme jealousy
Covert narcissists often experience high levels of envy with their peers, colleagues, family, and friends—anyone that has something they might not have. They often complain about not being satisfied with their accomplishments or possessions and are constantly trying to achieve the next goal.
They’re hypersensitive to criticism
While no one enjoys being criticized, a covert narcissist is particularly sensitive to any type of judgment, harsh or not. Because they often see themselves as the victim in any given situation, any type of criticism lands poorly.
They don’t respect boundaries
Because covert narcissists often have a victim mentality, they might feel the need to vent and complain to friends and peers without regard. They often expect to be taken care of or prioritized despite others’ obligations or needs.
They have a constant need for admiration
Like overt narcissists, covert narcissists rely on external validation. Thus, admiration and attention are crucial to their wellbeing.
Navigating a relationship with a covert narcissist can be quite difficult and uniquely draining. Often, clients of mine feel “bad” about thinking their friends or family members or partner’s might be narcissists, because outwardly, this type of narcissist presents themselves as hurt, vulnerable and in need of constant help and assistance.
If you’re someone that’s in a relationship with a covert narcissist, I invite you to think about the below questions as they relate to this type of issue. With practice, you can begin to understand the relationship and move towards a healthier bond (if so desired).
Literacy
What to know before you act
Do you feel that your relationship with this person is equal? Do you give as much as you receive?
Do you feel comfortable sharing “hard truths” with them, or having uncomfortable conversations with them about your relationship? Why or why not?
Do you find, in many situations, that this person embraces victimhood? What does that look like?
Fluency
How to integrate what you know and feel
The next time you feel “burnt out” from your relationship, try implementing boundaries (i.e. telling them you’re unavailable to chat at the moment, you don’t want to talk about a certain topic anymore, etc.).
Covert narcissists can oftentimes say hurtful things—the next time you feel hurt in this relationship remind yourself that their comment or behavior is not about you. How would it feel to vocalize that hurt, and remain confident in your feelings?
Try compartmentalizing your relationship—in what capacity could you tolerate the relationship? What would that look like?
As always, seek help from a trusted mental health professional if you feel in need of additional support. Covert narcissism can manifest in different ways depending on the nature of the relationship so be sure to seek assistance should you feel you need a more tailored, personal perspective!