When Playdates Divide Us: Navigating Friendships After Parenthood
The Grounding
Parenthood changes more than your daily routine; it transforms the landscape of your relationships. While we often discuss how friendships are impacted by life’s milestones—engagements, marriages, or career shifts—we rarely talk about how the addition of children can strain even the closest friendships. Whether it’s due to limited resources (time, energy, attention, and money—TEAM), conflicting parenting styles, or children who simply don’t get along, the arrival of kids can leave friendships feeling fragile and fraught.
Statistics back this up: research shows that nearly 50% of parents report losing friends after having children, often because priorities and lifestyles diverge. But the reality is more nuanced than just “drifting apart.” It’s about how we navigate these changes while preserving the friendships that matter most.
On the Surface: What You’re Noticing
Maybe it started subtly—a canceled coffee date, fewer texts, or the awkward silences during playdates when tensions arise. Perhaps your friend’s child triggers you for reasons you can’t quite articulate, or you feel judged (or are judging) their parenting style. Or maybe it’s the other way around: their child reminds you of the one you hoped to have but couldn’t. These moments of discomfort accumulate, and soon, you might find yourself wondering if the friendship is the same—or if it can ever be the same.
Digging Deeper: The Awkward Truths We Don’t Talk About
At first, we deny it. This is just a phase, right? But over time, it becomes harder to ignore. Your friend’s child refuses to share with yours. Or perhaps your child struggles in ways you find embarrassing, making group gatherings a source of anxiety rather than joy. You might feel unable to voice your frustrations for fear of seeming petty or unkind. Or maybe, as you witness your friend’s parenting choices, you realize that your values and priorities no longer align. Sometimes you might even feel you are the inadequate mother (I know I have felt this way at times).
These shifts can feel isolating, even shameful. We want to love our friends’ children as we love them, but it’s not always that simple. And when these feelings go unspoken, the rift deepens.
Literacy: Reflecting on What Really Matters
Before you decide how to move forward, take a moment to reflect:
What exactly is bothering you? Is it the children, the parenting differences, or perhaps something deeper, like unmet expectations or unspoken resentments?
How important is this friendship to you? Is it worth the effort to navigate these challenges?
Are you being honest with yourself about your emotions and needs?
Acknowledging your feelings is the first step toward clarity. It’s okay to feel conflicted. What matters is how you choose to act on those feelings.
Fluency: Steps to Preserve or Pivot
If the friendship is worth preserving, here are some ways to navigate the challenges with grace and authenticity:
Meet Without the Kids: Arrange adult-only meetups where you can reconnect without the added layer of parenting dynamics.
Be Transparent: Share your struggles—whether they’re about your child’s behavior, your parenting insecurities, or the stress of balancing it all. True friends will appreciate your vulnerability and support you (not everyone deserves this vulnerability of course)
Create Low-Stress Plans: Opt for activities that minimize potential friction, like outdoor meetups where kids have a focused activity or a neutral space to play.
Set Realistic Expectations: Accept that your friendship might look different for now. Less frequent meetups don’t have to mean the end of your connection.
Show up for your friends: Accept that people manage their stressors (including kids) differently, be gentle and compassionate with your friends while they are trying to figure it out.
Respect Boundaries: If differences in values or parenting styles feel insurmountable, it’s okay to step back. Not every friendship will withstand these changes, and that’s part of life’s evolution.
Ultimately, the goal is honesty—with yourself and with your friends. Friendships, like any other relationship, require care and adaptability to thrive. And sometimes, taking a step back to reassess can lead to a deeper, more authentic bond—or the clarity to let go. Remember the bucketing and re-bucketing exercise? this might be the time to consider going through it.
Notice Board for our Community
Join me for an intimate evening in New York on February 4th. I will talk about the most common dilemmas for singles and couples, answer your question, sign copies of Love by Design. Let’s create a meaningful and heartfelt space together, It feels like we all can use a space like this —I can’t wait to see you there!
You can now order your signed copy of Love by Design while supporting my favorite local bookstore in Los Angeles. It means the world to me specially with the current situation that we are in. We all have the power to make a difference—no matter how small. The ripple effect is real.
These are just a few of the scenarios I’ve heard from my clients and observed in my own social life. What about you? What challenges are you facing in navigating friendships and parenthood? Share your experience in the comments—let’s create a space where collective wisdom can support and inspire us all.