Where Are My Boundaries?
An exercise that will help you identify your boundaries
Boundaries are essential yet often misunderstood elements of healthy relationships. They are signifiers that help us express our needs and expectations clearly. By defining where we end and another person begins, boundaries ensure that each person’s sense of self is respected and preserved.
In the context of Emergent Love, boundaries serve as guideposts that enable us to coexist and thrive in the shared space of our relationships. They define the rules of engagement in any relationship from intimate interactions to work relationships, and beyond.
Recognizing and honoring these boundaries is also crucial for maintaining our mental health, a timely reflection as we observe Mental Health Awareness Month this May.
On the Surface
Often, people view boundaries negatively, as if setting them means pushing others away or building walls. While boundaries do delineate personal space, they're not about isolation; they're about establishing a clear and inviting space for genuine interaction.
Digging deeper
Boundaries can be misunderstood as keeping people at a distance. In reality, they function as road markers– they help everyone know their lanes to allow for a smooth journey together.
When we clarify our boundaries to others, we are helping them with how to be around us and how to engage with us. We set everyone up for success!
Without boundaries, people don’t know where they belong when they are in a relationship with you physically, energetically, or emotionally. Your boundaries communicate the vulnerable aspects of yourself to the other person as well. When received with openness, communicating your boundaries can be seen as an invitation for connection, rather than putting up a wall.
Literacy
What to know before you act
Everyone has boundaries, but sometimes it takes a little work to be able to identify them, articulate them, and recognize when they’ve been crossed. Recognizing boundary breaches and identifying how these instances make you feel is a crucial part of cultivating mutual respect in your relationships. When our boundaries are crossed, we feel a certain way. These emotions are a call for our inner teacher to come onboard and investigate.The sensations that are closely associated with boundary violations include feeling: uncomfortable, annoyed, hurt, offended and triggered. Being able to recognize these sensations when they arise is so important when it comes to creating and maintaining healthy and inviting boundaries.
I‘ve developed an exercise to help you identify these sensations by focusing on how they feel physically in the body— what psychologists call “felt sense.”
Uncomfortable: Imagine that something is uncomfortable, physically or otherwise. We can feel uncomfortable around specific people, locations, or circumstances. Maybe someone said something that made you feel uncomfortable, or you felt physically uncomfortable in your body. For some of us loud noises, bright light, a sensitive topic, or certain kinds of music make us uncomfortable. Pay attention to how this discomfort feels in your body, and try to be aware of the location and intensity of the physical feeling. Do you notice any difference between the experience of discomfort and the experience of being annoyed?
Annoyed: Think of a situation where you typically feel annoyed. Your train is late, or too crowded. Someone is FaceTiming in a restaurant. Your computer didn’t save your work. Your partner leaves dirty dishes on the kitchen counter. Your colleague dropped the ball on something and you have to work late. Bring your attention to what is happening in your body. Maybe you clench your jaw, or roll your eyes. Which part of your body is sensing that you are annoyed and telling you that you are leaving your neutral state? Try to get beyond the cognitive process of thinking, “Ah, this person is so annoying!” Forget why you’re annoyed and focus instead on the sensations in your body.
Hurt: Think about a situation when you felt hurt. Hurt may be caused by the behavior of someone else, by something that was done around you, or by something that you perceived or observed. How does that feel in your body? Where do you feel it? How is it different from discomfort and feeling annoyed?
Offended: Think about an occasion when you felt offended. Really offended. Maybe someone falsely accused you of something, or made assumptions about you that were incorrect, or said something insulting. Not all offensive behaviors are intentional, though the ones that are intentional usually hit the mark. Again, notice the sensations in your body. Do you feel it in your hands or behind your eyes or throat? Some people say it’s like receiving a punch to your gut. Is your breathing different? Are these sensations different from when you feel annoyed, uncomfortable, or hurt?
Triggered: When you are triggered, you go from zero to a hundred in a split second. It can come out as explosive anger, panic attacks, agitation, irritability, tears, all of these at once, or any number of other ways. It is a flood of emotion that comes on suddenly and is often experienced as overwhelming. These are the occasions when you think, “What just happened?” as if your reaction surprised even you, let alone anybody who might have been around you. What is the visceral reaction in your body when this happens? What sensations do you feel? Are these different from the sensations you noticed above?
Fluency
How to integrate what you know and feel?
Recognize Breaches: Begin by identifying what it feels like when your boundaries are crossed. Does it make you feel annoyed, hurt, offended or triggered? Pay attention to these emotions and the physical sensations associated with them.
Set Clear Boundaries: Practice your boundaries (verbal and otherwise) clearly in your interactions. Start with small, non-confrontational settings before tackling more significant issues.
Feedback Loop: Engage in a dialogue with your partner or a close friend about your boundaries. Discuss what works and what doesn’t, and be open to hearing about their boundaries and comfort levels.
Regular Check-ins: Make boundary discussions a regular part of your relationship check-ins. This keeps the lines of communication open and adjustments can be made as needed.
As you practice the fluency skills around implementing your boundaries, have one thing in mind: if you can do this lovingly and firmly then you have achieved fluency, and if you find yourself doing this in a passive aggressive manner or you feel a buildup of resentment because you cannot ask for what you need, then I suggest that you go back to the literacy piece above and restart practicing that section (getting to know the sensations when your boundaries are breached) and give fluency another try.
The Notice Board
On June 7, I will be in conversation with Emily Nagoski on live stage in London, UK to discuss how to create lasting sexual connections. You can learn more about the event and see if you can join us by following this link: https://howtoacademy.com/events/emily-nagoski-how-to-create-lasting-sexual-connections/
Save the date: we will be celebrating the World Sexual Health Day- 2024 on September 13. The event will be online so you can do it from anywhere you are. We will have a series of expert talks to raise awareness, reduce stigma & improve access to key elements of Positive Relationships. I will be sharing more information on this soon. Stay tuned.
For a deeper exploration of the topics discussed in this newsletter, you can check out my book, Love By Design: 6 Ingredients to Build a Lifetime of Love.