Where are you committed to going together?
Creating a shared vision for the New Year and beyond
How to move from unspoken expectations to building a shared vision
The Grounding
In relationships, partners often come to a poignant realization: “This is not what I expected.” During counseling sessions, I encourage married couples to bring their marriage license and examine the metaphorical fine print—the unspoken and perhaps unconscious expectations set at the beginning of their union. These assumptions, though invisible, profoundly influence the dynamics of a relationship. The realization that reality diverges from these early dreams can cause significant strain.
To address these discrepancies, it is crucial to create a shared vision. This process involves acknowledging and reconciling individual expectations and aspirations. It's about envisioning a future together that integrates the hopes and dreams of each partner into a cohesive plan. This alignment does not occur spontaneously or by chance; it requires deliberate discussion and mutual agreement on key life decisions such as where to live, career paths, financial planning, and personal well-being.
On the Surface
It is a common misconception that a shared vision naturally develops as a relationship progresses or if your love is “strong” enough. Many believe that love alone will guide couples into harmony regarding their future. However, this overlooks the complexities involved in brining merging two distinct lives together to create a third one. For instance, partners may have different attitudes toward managing finances, preferences for their living environment, or ideas about physical and social activities. Without open discussions, these differences can lead to misunderstandings and disappointment.
Digging deeper
Truly aligning on a shared vision is a nuanced process that involves more than just agreeing on surface-level desires. It requires partners to engage in honest conversations about their deepest values and lifestyle preferences. For example, one partner may envision a life centered around career advancement in urban settings, while the other dreams of a tranquil life in a rural area focused on community and nature. These discussions must address how each vision can be adapted or integrated to form a plan that respects both partners' wishes without requiring untenable sacrifices from either side. Here is a framework that you can use to make sure you are considering all angles and aspects that would impact the outcome of a relationship.
Literacy
What to know before you act
Developing a comprehensive understanding of each partner's vision involves considering various life aspects. These are angles that came out of our research on Emergent love :
Geographic: Where do you envision living? This includes choosing between urban, suburban, or rural settings, each bringing its own lifestyle implications. Factors like climate, the type of community, and proximity to family are crucial. Discussing these preferences helps partners align their visions, accommodating each other's desires for their ideal living environment.
Physical: Individual health and physical activity levels significantly influence lifestyle choices. If one partner is an avid marathon runner and the other prefers leisurely weekends at home, finding a compromise that respects both preferences is essential. Considerations like dietary habits, healthcare needs, and physical capabilities should also be discussed to ensure both partners feel supported.
Financial: Understanding and aligning on financial goals and practices is pivotal. This includes earnings, savings, investment strategies, and overall financial management. Discussing each partner’s view on what constitutes ‘enough money’ helps set the foundation for future financial decisions and lifestyle choices. for example one person wants to only save for the future at all costs and the other likes a more balanced view which considers a certain level of comfort in day to day life as well.
Social: Social connections are a vital aspect of personal sense of fulfillment and well-being. Evaluating each partner’s social preferences—whether they involve large social gatherings or more intimate interactions—helps ensure that both feel fulfilled. It’s also important to consider how you engage with friends, family, and the broader community together and separately. Who do you want to call friend, who is an acquaintance and who is good for networking.
Values: Core values and ethics play a significant role in decision-making and daily behaviors. Partners should openly discuss their values, which might include honesty, integrity, family importance, and community involvement. Understanding where you align and where you differ can prevent conflicts and enhance mutual respect.
Religion and Spirituality: Religious and spiritual beliefs can deeply influence personal and joint life paths. Discussing each partner’s beliefs, practices, and expectations helps integrate these aspects into your shared life, ensuring that both feel respected and that spiritual needs are met.
Lifestyle: Lifestyle choices encompass a wide range of activities, including hobbies, travel, and everyday routines. If one partner has a high-energy job that requires frequent travel while the other prefers stability, discussing how to balance these needs is essential. Lifestyle discussions should also address how each partner envisions daily life, from leisure activities to household responsibilities.
Fluency
Integrating this comprehensive understanding into daily life requires flexibility and ongoing communication.
In these discussions, the concepts of compromise, sacrifice, and negotiation play critical roles.
Negotiation: A daily practice of navigating shared life decisions, like where to go for dinner or who picks up the kids. It provides a sense of agency and fosters accountability in articulating desires. Ask yourself, “Am I clearly expressing my needs and listening to my partner’s input?” If not, it’s likely not a true negotiation.
Compromise: Balancing individual and shared needs through mutual give-and-take, aiming for equity rather than equality. It’s about creating satisfaction for both partners over time, not necessarily meeting halfway. Reflect, “Does this exchange feel fair and sustainable for both of us?” If not, it might lean towards sacrifice or an imbalance. Ask, “Does this sacrifice align with my values and our shared vision?” If not, it may need re-evaluating or reframing.
It’s important to acknowledge that the way negotiation, compromise, and sacrifice are defined and viewed may differ across individuals, couples, and sociocultural contexts. Understanding these differences can help partners navigate their dynamics with empathy and clarity.
Let me know what you find helpful and what topics you wish for me to write about. Would love to hear from you!
I wish you a peaceful and fulfilling New Year ahead!
The Notice Board
Give the gift of love to yourself and others this holiday season. Amazon has a special offer on the hardcopy, audio and kindle of Love By Design: 6 Ingredients to Build a Lifetime of Love. Once the paperback is out on February 4th, 2025, these deals might not be there anymore. Get your copy today!
Join me for the In Bloom Summit, April 4-6 2025 in Vancouver. Partners welcomed also. Check it out and Register here.
If you have written a review for Love by Design online, or wish to do so, Don’t forget to send me a screen shot of you review and I will surprise you with a gift of appreciation.
Would you like short and visual contents from me? Join me on Instagram HERE.