Why Can't Your Workplace be Like Family and How is Love Possible at Work?
As many of you know, I often work with leaders to enhance their intercultural fluency. The hope is that this would bridge communication gaps and make the workplace or their board dynamics a more harmonious environment for all. Being on these sites, gives me the opportunity to observe the everyday dynamics that are at play in various levels, from leadership meetings to innovation labs and the team building activities. I listen to the languages used (both verbally and non-verbally) to map out where I can be helpful. Here is one observation that I wish to share with you today: workplaces are often compared to families and I find that problematic. Something that is becoming a global practice these days because research shows that the new workforces would like to create a sense of belonging for their employees so they would perform better and stay with their employers longer.
While it’s important to foster connection, viewing the workplace as a family can create confusion because not everyone has a similar understanding of what a family is or should be and therefore the rules of engagements might not align. The roles, rules of engagement, people involved, hierarchies and so on could be very different in various family structures. Therefore, you need to first bring everyone onboard as what families are, which one you are referring to and if the people involved even want to be a part of such a family. Too complicated!
In my opinion, a more helpful terminology would be a loving workplace where we can foster the six critical ingredients of emergent love to ensure everyone is thriving. I know some of you are chuckling and thinking, “if we cannot have a shared understanding of what family is how do you expect us to align over love, the most misunderstood word in the world”. I am with you! Just bear with me, I might have something that worth thinking about.
You have heard me talk about Emergent Love model in parent-child relationships and romantic relationships. Here is how Emergent Love works at a workplace. See what you think.
On the Surface
Many people that I meet these days are not complaining about the nature of the job they do but the interactions they have (or the lack of them). They talk about how they are not seen, respected, trusted, given benefit of the doubt, being followed for their vision, cared for and so on. Their colleagues (direct reports or managers) might even say “I love you, man” or “you can come to me with anything” or “we are a company that respects work-life balance and people’s personal boundaries” but this somehow does not match the internal experiences of these individuals. As I have been reflecting on my interactions, I could see that these all can be enhanced if we apply the ingredients of a loving relationship (more below).
Digging deeper
Historically, the concept of love was reserved for divine or familial contexts, deemed unconditional and sacred. It was assumed to be there no matter what. Philosopher Simon May argues that as society secularized, the application of "love" expanded into other human interactions without a corresponding redefinition for these new contexts.
So, we expanded this to our romantic relationships. In this case love was a felt sense kind of an entity, you knew it when you felt it. It was either there or not. Nobody knew or dared to even be curious what it was made of. Can we create it? Recreate it? It was highly subjective and over time it was reduced to feeling sexual chemistry and butterflies for another person with whom you were going to fall in love and so on.
If we talk about love in the workplace with this mentality, we are going down the rabbit hole faster than we can imagine. It is not even politically correct to do that; however, if we embrace a model of love that is much broader than only sexual chemistry and can be created and exist as long as its ingredients are in place then we can perhaps experience a whole new model of love that is in fact teachable, actionable and has a lot more sense of agency around it than we thought.
What I have found is that referring to the workplace as a "family" can create confusion and dilutes the meaning of both concepts. This misapplication often leads to unrealistic expectations surrounding loyalty, sacrifice, and commitment, which clashes with the inherently transactional nature of professional relationships. By shifting our perspective from families to loving relationships and from love as a static notion to a dynamic entity that relies on six key ingredients, we can better cultivate meaningful connections in the workplace. Just as in romantic relationships, where a sense of belonging, agency, and mutual nourishment are essential, workplaces can thrive as spaces for love when these elements are present. Recognizing that relationships can take various forms based on individual abilities, desires, and needs empowers us to create fulfilling interactions that allow everyone involved to flourish.
Literacy
What to know before you act
The 6 key ingredients for Emergent love at a workplace are: Attraction (values and attributes that you like to be around and what you offer in return), Trust (reliable and consistent presence that is meaningful), Respect (having healthy boundaries, deep sense of integrity and expected mannerisms within a particular context) , Shared Vision (personal and collective direction that we are headed which manifests through prioritization of resources and commitment to them), Compassion (being there for the other without making it about ourselves), Loving Behavior (making the other feel seen, special and giving them benefit of the doubt). To effectively foster healthy workplace relationships, it is essential to focus on actionable steps for each of these which I will discuss in the fluency section below.
The interplay between cultural background and communication styles significantly influences perceptions of relational dynamics. High-context cultures, where communication relies heavily on non-verbal cues and the context of the interaction, contrast sharply with low-context cultures that depend on explicit verbal communication. This distinction becomes particularly relevant in multinational or diverse workplaces where expectations around expressions of the 6 key ingredients could vary.
There are distinctions between various cultural contexts and the way these ingredients can be experienced, received and perceived. For example, in high-context cultures, expressions of appreciation and respect often occur through actions or the subtleties of interaction rather than direct statements. In such settings, saying "I value you" in the workplace could be seen as overly personal or can be less meaningful than a raise, an affirming look across the room, being included in specific meetings or giving words of affirmation in a group setting because the collective image is more important. Conversely, in low-context cultures, where explicit articulation is the norm, while all the above could be appreciated but the lack of verbal appreciation could be considered as being unseen and undervalued in a work dynamic.
Cultural diversity in the workplace requires a nuanced understanding of how different cultures interpret verbal and non-verbal cues. Managers and leaders should be particularly aware of how their words and actions and even presence, clothing and so on might be perceived by team members from different backgrounds. Training and policies that respect cultural sensitivities can help create an environment where all employees feel respected, included and engaged.
The challenge lies in navigating the fine line between fostering a supportive workplace and maintaining professional boundaries. By having clear definition of the 6 key ingredients in a loving relationship, workplaces can create clear frameworks.
Fluency
How to bring these all to your life?
I invite you to spend some time learning about your cultural context (yours and people who are in close relationship with you at work) to make sure what you are expressing is received by them the same way that you have intended it.
Each of the ingredients I mentioned above can be manifested through specific behaviors. Here are the questions you can ask yourself:
Attraction: Why are you in this job and not another one? Is it financial compensation, social capital, proximity to home, familiarity, status, reputation, immigration status, building step towards what you want, convenience, ambition, desire?
Trust: Are you consistent with your showing up, deliverables, presence, energy level at interactions? Are you reliable with showing up for your areas of responsibilities? Or forget important milestones and leave things until last minute and then bring an excuse? Trust and safety go hand in hand. When employees feel safe, they are more likely to engage fully, innovate, and collaborate effectively
Respect: Do you acknowledge diverse needs? Do you respect others’ boundaries and priorities? Do you communicate your own boundaries lovingly and firmly? Or do you experience passive-aggressiveness?
Shared vision: Do you know where the company is going and what your role is in it? Are you aligned with those goals? At the micro and macro level and demonstrating commitment, even under pressure and when you don’t feel like it?
Compassion: Are you aware of your limitations as a human and other people around you as well? When someone has an issue, will you make it about yourself and overshadow it with your agenda or can you show up for them in a helpful manner?
Loving behaviors: Can you go out of your way for a colleague or the team? Do your colleagues/company acknowledges that? Do they reward it in a meaningful way for you? Do you feel your role matters or do you feel you are just a number and replaceable?
Based on what you read here and your reflections:
Do you know where you stand with each of these ingredients? How you interpret other people’s behaviors as trustworthy, resecting, loving, etc.? Is there an area that you need to work on?
Do you think your workplace has the potential to offer you a fulfilling and loving relational space? If yes, how do you make the following actionable? And if no, what is the first step you can take to shift your situation? Who is an ally on this with you?
One critical last point I want to share with you is that if these ingredients are not shared in a reciprocal manner, the relationship is not and cannot be a loving relationship. So if you are not respectable, trustworthy, committed to the shared vision, etc. you cannot expect the relationship to be a loving one by any stretch. The same exact quality that creates a make or break in any relationship.
The Notice Board
Invitations:
If you are working with couples and would like to add to your knowledge and toolbox, get 80% off to register for couples therapy conference, 2024 where I am joined by 11 esteemed colleagues (including Dr. Emily Nagoski and Esther Perel) to discuss couples’ relationships, tools for your practices and coupledom as well. You can use this link to explore the agenda and sign up with this special discount offered to my community.
I am hosting a SAR training, in person, in New York City on October 25/26. Sexuality Attitude Reassessment Training with the focus on culture and the self of the provider. It is AASECT approved for 14 hours of CE and meets the requirement towards your certification as a Sexuality Educator, Counselor or Therapist. I cannot wait to welcome you if you can make it. Here is the link to register.
2025 In Bloom, Love and Relationship Summit is open for early registration. I am invited alongside of incredibly insightful colleagues to bring an unforgettable experience to the participants. There will be networking, food, music, experiential workshops, giveaways, book signings and more. We will all meet in Vancouver from 4-6 April, one of my most favorite cities! You can get your tickets with early registration rate here.
Giveaways:
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