Why Our Names Are the Gateway to Intimacy

Our names can be an invitation to connect

Jun 07, 2024

From the moment we learn to recognize our names as infants, they become a core part of who we are. Our names are the keys to our identity, the first and most enduring connection we have to our sense of self. They are so much more than a convenient way to address each other. Through our names, we offer others a glimpse into who we are, where we come from, and the unique stories we carry. At times, they can be a source of pride or shame depending on the social context. What I have learned over the years is that approaching each other’s names with genuine interest can unlock doors to deeper, more intimate connections.

On the Surface

As children, recognizing our names is one of the earliest forms of self-awareness. This is the first word that grabs our attention, we react to and turn our heads for. In social situations, our names cut through the noise, reaffirming our existence. There is even a name for this “the cocktail party effect!” It’s so deeply ingrained in us, but we rarely give it enough thought. We often perceive names as mere labels or identifiers, serving a function as a convenient way to address one another. We often overlook the richness of stories, meanings, and cultural significance embedded in them. They are, in fact, our first forms of identity, and yet we had nothing to do with choosing them.

Digging deeper

Our names carry much more weight and meaning than they initially seem to. They are the answer to two of the most existential, fundamental questions: “Who am I?” and “Where do I belong?” Take, for example, an experience from my first day in grad school. When I introduced myself as Sara, a classmate quickly remarked, "Oh, you don’t look like a Sara!" This person had a clear idea of how a Sara should look and I clearly didn’t fit the bar. I couldn’t possibly have an identifier that reminded him of someone he was familiar with. Because to him, I was the “other.” This moment led to an existential reflection on identity and belonging for me. It highlighted how our names can set expectations and carry stereotypes. I spent hours and days reflecting on my name, all the ways that it served me in my life, up to that moment and whether it would be the same moving forward, especially given the global presence I have across various languages and cultural settings.

Names can facilitate inclusivity or isolation, especially in diverse contexts such as among immigrants or sexual minority groups. For some, changing their name is a path to liberation from societal constraints; for others, it's a difficult choice that might lead to a loss of cultural identity and even community. For example, in one of my workshops a participant named Ping Yong, often misheard and addressed as “Penguin,” shared that she adopted the name Penny to avoid embarrassment. Yet, this change led to an internal conflict, as she felt she was presenting only a part of herself, leaving behind a segment of her identity where she was Penny, and not Ping Yong.

In professional settings, the dynamics around names become even more stark. Studies indicate significant biases based on the 'ethnicity' perceived from a name, affecting everything from job opportunities to social interactions. Research shows that names perceived as 'white-sounding' receive 50% more callbacks than those associated with ethnic minorities. This particular study was done in the early 2000. Some might argue that the pendulum is swinging to the other direction in that ethnic or racially specific names might receive more call back these days because the companies, schools, etc. try to invite more optically diverse groups to their organizations to show their commitment to the trendy subject of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (as you can tell I have more to say on the topic- look for an upcoming newsletter for this one!) This disparity is not just a statistic; it represents real-world impacts on people’s lives and careers.

For close relationships such as parent-child, intimate relationships and sibling dynamics, I often ask people about the way they address one another. Is it with their full names? Adjectives? Made up names? Nicknames? I then invite them to think about which part of each other they invite to that moment in time by doing so.

Our names don’t need to be borders that separate us– they could also be invitations to connect. During one of our consultation sessions, a client told me not to call her Elizabeth because Elizabeth was her formal name and her mother called her that whenever my client was in trouble. She asked me to call her Lizzy– the version of her name that her close friends use. That’s the name she prefers with people she can be open and vulnerable with. For Lizzy, her chosen nickname is a reflection of her desire for connection, and a cue for trust in our relationships. I appreciated that.

If you have about 18 minutes. Consider listening to my Tedx talk on the topic for more examples on how names could be gateways to intimacy or segregation.

Literacy

What to know before you act

Reflect on the significance of names in your life. Consider your own name:

How does it make you feel?
What is the story behind it?
Does it resonate with you as the person that you are today?
Does it serve you in various contexts?
Are there nicknames that you are called by? Are there ones that you use for others? How do these affect those relational spaces?
If you have changed your name (due to preference, immigration, marriage, etc.) which parts of you are connected to your new names and which ones are left behind?
When meeting others, do you make an effort to learn and correctly pronounce their names?

Fluency

How to integrate what you know and feel

In a world often divided by labels and harsh boundaries, names can be a tool for unity. Engage in conversations about names.
Ask about the stories behind them, and share your own. By doing so, we create opportunities for meaningful connections and reduce the 'otherness' we may feel towards people who are different from us. Embracing the diversity of names can help us build stronger, more harmonious communities, one relationship at a time.

Exercise: Name Me To Know Me: To further explore and challenge our perceptions and biases about names, I’ll give you an exercise called "Name Me to Know Me." For this exercise, gather a group of people, some of whom may or may not know each other. You can do this exercise with friends, peers, students and your employees at work. Write down their names, along with some random names, on pieces of paper. Participants then draw a name and approach someone in the group, suggesting, “I feel like you match this name.” This sparks a discussion about why that name felt fitting, revealing our subconscious biases linked to names, it will also help the person that was chosen to know how they come across. This exercise is usually the one that I start with when I work with companies and larger groups. It often leads to profound revelations, laughter, and even tears, as we confront the assumptions we hold. It's a powerful way to connect and go beyond feelings of otherness.

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How does your name make you feel, and does it resonate with who you are today?

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The Common Ground | by Dr. Sara

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